AN OPEN LETTER TO THE FINE FOLKS OF REILEY AUDIENCE SURVEYS, INC.
To whom it may concern:
I am writing in regards to your information gathering techniques and to warn you of possible skewed data. Specifically, data gathered via survey after a showing of “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” at the Arclight theaters in Hollywood on May 24th. Upon exiting the theater after the screening, I was approached by a gentleman, one of your employees I assume, and asked if I would like to take a survey about what I had just watched. Feeling particularly opinionated at the time, I agreed and was handed a green survey form and a number 2 pencil.
Looking back on the incident, I now see where the mistake of miscommunication was made. I assumed the gentleman was offering a survey about the film I had just watched, when in fact, I now recognize that the survey was for the trailer shown before the film for an upcoming movie called “Australia”. Because of this miscommunication, I would like to correct or amend some of my answers that may have confused your data gathering staff.
For example, the question, “What movie did you just see?”, please amend my answer to “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” replacing my written entry of “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of Stop Stealing My Childhood George Lucas”.
On the question asking my age, I now realize that you were looking for a checkmark in the appropriate box and not for my written answer of “I waited 19 years for this garbage???” Please mark me down as Age 30-35.
Also, the question asking if I would recommend this film to my friends, I now see you were looking for a check mark answer as well. Please scratch out my write in answer of “Only if they enjoy the sensation of being repeatedly rammed in the anus with the business end of a Louisville Slugger while choking on their own vomit and trying to gouge their eyes out with the straw from their soda.” Please mark the box labeled “Probably Not.”
Now the next few questions on the survey were about the trailers I had viewed before the film, and specifically about the trailer for the film “Australia”. Unfortunately, I don’t feel I was in the right frame of mind and believe I may have misread the questions. Please amend the following answers accordingly:
For the question, “What trailers do you remember seeing before the film?” please dismiss my answer of “Fuck if I know, but here are some things I wish I could forget: groundhogs, Shia’s scruffy man-boy beard, the Boris and Natasha accent from Cate, the supposed rogue archeologist who evidently became a government stooge for the OSS in the last 19 years, random Incan warriors who seemingly live inside the walls of a cave and whose only purpose in life is to wait for someone to walk past, a boat filled with people that goes over three large waterfalls and no one loses even a hat AND THOSE FUCKING MONKEYS!!!
I remember seeing the trailer for “Traitor” and “Australia”.
For the question “Would you go see the film ‘Australia’?” please mark me down as “Maybe” and not “I will never see a film again and in fact have decided to cut myself off from the rest of humanity and live out my days in the desolate wilderness of Canada if only to prevent anyone ever mentioning this piece of shit movie I just wasted fourteen bucks on ever again.”
Finally, in the additional comments section, I wrote “Fuck Lucas” over and over and even continued down the entire back side of the survey at least 600 times, if not more.
I wish to keep that answer as is.
In closing, I would like to apologize for my mistake, but would urge you to change your practice of surveying viewers as they leave a bad film they had waited 19 years for and had dreamt of the day when they could enjoy the adventures of their favorite hero once again only to have those dreams shattered by a confusing plot, weak character relationships and FUCKING MONKEY SWINGING THROUGH THE RAINFOREST!!!
Sincerely,
thecapedcrusader
