In Attempt To Avoid Another Historic Collapse, Mets Decide To Lose 100 Games

QUEENS, New York – In an attempt to avoid another late season collapse like they experienced last year, the New York Mets have decided to play it safe and lose 100 games.

“We know we let our fans down and ourselves down at the end of last season,” explained Mets skipper Willie Randolph.  “The last few weeks of the season were gut wrenching and the last game especially was heartbreaking, so we decided in order to make sure we don’t end up in that situation again, we would lose enough games to take us out of the race entirely.”

The plan was hatched early in spring training when the manager met with his coaches and some players for a brainstorming session to come up with ways to avoid the historic collapse of last fall.

“It was actually Beltran who came up with the idea,” said third baseman David Wright.  “All the other ideas we had:  more dedication, work harder, play all nine innings…they all seemed to be a bit, I dunno, tired.”

“When skip asked for some out of the box ideas, that’s when it hit me,” said centerfielder Carlos Beltran.  “Honestly, it seemed so obvious after I said it, none of us could believe we hadn’t thought of it before.”

“Truth be told, I was a bit skeptical of the plan when I first heard of it,” shortstop Jose Reyes said.  “I mean to lose a hundred games…in our division, that just might not be enough.  I thought no less than losing 130 games would put us safely out of contention for any chance to make the playoffs.”

“I’m a big fan of the idea,” said first baseman Carlos Delgado.  “It takes the pressure off the hitters that’s for sure.  I used to be upset at the idea of hitting below .270 for any length of time.  Now I’m in the midst of a 50 game slump and I’ve never felt more relaxed.”

Sure, this plan may be great for the hitters, but what about the pitchers whose salaries and contracts are determined by their won/loss records?

“We found a few ways around that,” explained Randolph.  “The first part of the plan is to just take them out of the equation completely.  Does anyone really think Pedro hurt himself in his very first game?  I mean, come on.  Now that he’s back, Santana’s due to “injure” himself any day and take a 60 day vacation.”

“The second part was to let the starters go out there and actually do their thing,” continued Randolph.  “Then around the sixth or seventh inning, we’d bring in our middle relief guys and have them f*&@ up the game.  Sure, the starter might get a no decision, but that’s much better than taking the loss.”

So far, the plan seems to be going well.  The Mets, despite having plenty of talent and one of the top pitchers in the game, are seven and a half games back and falling fast.  They own a pitiful 31-34 record and are in fourth place out of five teams in their division.  And Randolph couldn’t be more pleased.  After a recent loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks where closer Billy Wagner blew his second save, Randolph was heard to remark:  “I love it when a plan comes together.”